Blogging Friends.... This was the most emotionally-driven fictional
book that I have ever written!! Thus far!! Sans giving away too many spoilers,
I killed a character. And, while this was my plan, I did not think I could
follow through with it. {Take that, self-doubt!!} I cannot believe I killed a
character!! It felt like murdering my own son!! And then? The consequence of
killing a character gave another one heartbreak--I caused that?!--I feel so
very mean!! Truth be told? I consumed far too much chocolate while creating
this fictional book!! But having emotion drive my writing is good.... Correct?
Read it. Please leave comments. There will be a happy ending.... I promise!!
Love you later.
I was born with a rare birth defect
called Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome. Because,
along with craniosynostosis and congenital diaphragmatic hernia? I am not
human!! Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome is a congenital birth defect in
which extra electrical connections, or accessory pathways, are present in the
heart. Although people with the condition are otherwise healthy, the extra
connection can cause an electrical "short circuit" and a very fast
heartbeat. Most cases of Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome occur in people with no
apparent family history of the condition. These cases are described as sporadic
and are not inherited. In most cases, the cause of Wolff-Parkinson-White
syndrome is unknown. This heart condition affects one to three in 1,000 people worldwide. If left un-repaired, sufferers {Who are active} can suddenly die from cardiac arrest. My Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome was surgically repaired back in 2002!!
Adelaide Dupont....
Thank-you from the depths of my heart for giving "Jezebelle" a 1 +
count!! That definitely did not go unnoticed!! Because, wow. Just.... Wow!! That
has never happened with any of my fictional books before!! I felt so very touched
and honored!! I hope that this story was an encouragement to you,
Friend!!
"Jezebelle"
Sometimes, Life can be fairly easy, with very minimal suffering,
trials or tribulations. And then? Such as in Hollywood films or television
shows, Life can write a plot twist. Twain fourteen year old souls named
Frederick and Jezebelle are so much alike, it is almost uncanny. They share an
appreciation of Hollywood movie star Robert Downey Jr.'s brilliant acting. A
love for author Ray Bradbury's books. But perhaps the strangest thing of all that
Frederick and Jezebelle have in common? Both were born with a rare birth defect
called Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome!!
Symptoms of this heart condition can vary depending on person to
person. But in Jezebelle's experience? Growing up, she was a girl who suffered
from sudden, unexpected episodes of Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome. Jezebelle's
heart would race so very rapidly that others could literally watch it attempt
to leap from her chest!! And this was unlike any rhythmic drumbeat. For no
gifted or talented musician could even try to "play" what
Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome did within Jezebelle's chest!! It was unnerving
at times!! But Jezebelle quickly learned certain approaches and techniques which
were effective for slowing her heartbeat down. Because she simply dealt with
symptoms of Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome!! Jezebelle would turn herself
upside down. She'd perform handstands, even!! Jezebelle would hang upside down
on the living room couch, as her bare feet smudged windows. She'd bend over and
then slowly, calmly, stand back up. Family members would even hold her upside
down by the ankles!! Whatever approach worked, she tried!!
Frederick and Jezebelle met in Jr. High one year ago. This was far
from so-called "puppy love".... Because everybody knew that they were
made for each other and future marriage looked promising!! Jezebelle acted in
drama. And she was quite talented!! For every character that Jezebelle brought
to Life her emotions commanded!! Sweethearts. Villains. An old man character,
even!! During plays, skits or programs, Frederick was continuously in a seat to
support his girlfriend!! All the while smiling, crying, laughing, cheering and
snapping pictures!! Frederick played center field in baseball. And he was quite
talented!! While standing out in center field, Frederick always, always, always "flew" himself toward
walls to catch hit baseballs!! And he was very successful at it!! While
swinging his baseball bat, Frederick hit several home-runs!! During games,
Jezebelle was continuously in a seat to support her boyfriend!! All the while
smiling, laughing, cheering and snapping pictures!!
Then, during a baseball game on July 4th--as scorching hot
temperatures soared--Frederick hit an amazing home-run. One by one by one, his
teammates each leapt from their dugout seats, smiling, cheering and verbally rooting
him on. As did Jezebelle, of course!! But then? Life threw Jezebelle a nasty
curveball. It happened so fast. One second? Frederick was at-bat. The next
second? He hit that home-run. The next second? He was circling every single
base. And then the next second? Just before he could slide into home base,
Frederick suddenly collapsed. Everybody gasped and screamed. But Jezebelle? As
cosmic, profound, emotions flowed through her, she jumped up, pushed against
throngs of shocked people, and rushed to Frederick's motionless side.
"Oh, no!! No, no, no, no, no!!" screamed Jezebelle for all
to hear, "Fredy!! Wake up!! Do not leave me!! Please!! Fredy!! Do not
die!!"
But Frederick was dead. Paramedics attempted their very best to
resurrect him. But it proved useless. Because Frederick was dead.
"Why?!" wailed Jezebelle, wet, hot tears streaming down
her face, "How did this happen?! Why?!"
As paramedics respectfully lifted Frederick's lifeless body onto one
of their stretchers and covered it with a dark blue-colored blanket, the baseball
team's coach, Jackson, sadly lead Jezebelle away.
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!" Jezebelle screamed in
protest, "I do not want to leave him!! No!! Do not take me away from him!!
Fredy!! Fredy!!"
Fourth of July fireworks exploded everywhere that night in darkened
skies. But Jezebelle did not watch a single one. She stayed home. After an
autopsy was performed, the cause of Frederick's death became known. Having been
born with Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome, he suffered from a fatal episode
which lead to cardiac arrest. On top of her grief, this news hit home--hard--for
Jezebelle.
Fredy died from a fatal episode of Wolff-Parkinson-White
syndrome....?! she thought, But.... I have
Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome, as well.... Should I be concerned about my own
heath?!
Frederick's funeral and memorial services {Which were nothing short
of beautiful!!} made Jezebelle forget these such worries. But after Frederick's
funeral and memorial services? Jezebelle's grief swiftly transformed into a
deep, dark, suicidal depression.
"I am quitting drama," she told the director, Zoe, "As you have already noticed, my emotions are not
breathing Life into every character I play anymore. So I am quitting
drama."
"We will miss you, Jezebelle," Zoe said, "You are one
of my most gifted actresses!!"
"Just do not tell the other kids I said that!!" Zoe
finished with a wink.
Seemingly worse than grief, depression consumed Jezebelle's Life. She
suffered from nearly every single symptom. Family and friends slowly started
noticing a drastic change in her personality. So they reached out to Jezebelle
with wide open hearts. One afternoon, her best friends from drama, Cecile and
Sonali, came over.
"Hi Jez...." Cecile awkwardly began, "How have you
been....?"
"We miss your acting in drama...." Sonali added,
"Class is just not the same without you!!"
"Yeah!!" Cecile agreed, "Jez, If you ever wanted to
come back, Zoe will happily accept!!"
"Absolutely!!" Sonali agreed, "Zoe asks about you all
the time!!"
Cecile and
Sonali mean well, Jezebelle thought while smiling weakly, They are good friends. But.... I cannot return to drama. I just.... I
cannot.
"Tell Zoe 'hi' from me," Jezebelle muttered.
Then Cecile and Sonali left.
"Honey...." Jezebelle's Mom, Savannah, began later,
"I understand that you have suffered the loss of Frederick's sudden
death.... It is hard.... And if I could take your place in this devastating
heartbreak, I would.... But, sweetie.... You are falling--fast--into a deep,
dark pit of depression.... I can feel it...."
"I know...." Jezebelle glumly replied, "Trust me. I
know...."
"I think you need professional help, dear...." Savannah
continued, "Your Dad knows somebody at work who has battled depression
after his ex-wife left him.... He sees a psychiatrist.... We can probably get
her telephone number...."
Jezebelle looked away. She felt like crying. Jezebelle could not
even make eye contact with her Mom.
"What are you thinking....?" Savannah asked.
"I cannot go to therapy!!" Jezebelle burst out, "That
is a cosmic sign of weakness!! If I go to therapy, then everybody will think
that I am.... That I am.... That I am.... Psychologically disturbed!!"
Jezebelle started crying.
"Oh honey...." Savannah said, "Nobody is going to
think that you're 'psychologically disturbed' if you go to therapy!! Quite the
contrary!! Right now you are broken, vulnerable.... And.... You need help to
move forward from this great loss of Frederick's death.... I think everybody
will think that you're brave for seeking therapy!!"
"Really....?" Jezebelle asked.
She looked at her Mom.
"I know I will, baby," Savannah said.
"I need to think about it...." Jezebelle said.
"Alright," Savannah said, "But sweetie? Please do not
think too long. Okay?"
And think about going to therapy, Jezebelle did.
I have my
back against the wall, Jezebelle thought as wet,
hot tears streamed down her cheeks, Mom
is right. I am falling--fast--into a deep, dark pit of depression. I do need
professional help. Like it or not. I do need help....
So Jezebelle did attend appointments with a psychiatrist named Dr.
Whedon. She was most definitely born for this career!! A ginger-haired spitfire,
Dr. Whedon is down-to-earth, helpful, compassionate,
kind, patient and understanding. It required tons of courage, but Jezebelle swallowed her pride.
Then she expressed everything {Frederick's sudden death. Her grief.
Depression.} to Dr. Whedon.
"We were Jr. High sweethearts, Fredy and I...." Jezebelle
began, "He was such a gentleman.... Fredy held my schoolbooks.... He
opened doors for me.... Fredy even pulled chairs out so that I could sit down
first...."
Dr. Whedon listened intently. Wet, hot tears streamed down Jezebelle's
face. Dr. Whedon handed her some tissues.
"This may sound old-fashioned, but Fredy purchased me a gold
and garnet Promise Ring to symbolize that we will always be lovers...." Jezebelle
continued, "He saved up his hard-earned money for it.... Somehow.... I
still own that ring...."
Dr. Whedon wrote her patient's every single word, thought, feeling
and emotion down in a notebook. Wet, hot tears still streamed down Jezebelle's
face.
"I used to act in drama...." Jezebelle added, "Fredy
would help me memorize my lines.... He'd listen for hours on end as I recited
them to him.... That was far more support than I could provide Fredy with....
Because he played center field in baseball...."
"Fredy sounded like a good guy," said Dr. Whedon, "The
type of boyfriend that any girl would love to have."
"His name was Frederick!!" Jezebelle said defensively,
"Only I called him Fredy!! That
was my pet name for him!! Fredy
called me Jezi!!"
Fresh, wet, hot tears filled her bloodshot, puffy eyes.
"I am sorry...." apologized Dr. Whedon, "Frederick. I like that name. I truly do.
Frederick is a good, strong German name."
Wet, hot tears continued to stream down Jezebelle's face.
"Fredy and I were both huge Bruce Springsteen
fanatics...." she continued, "We love his ingenious music,
songwriting, singing and albums.... Last year, for Easter, Fredy's parents
purchased us tickets to see Bruce in concert.... That amazing performance was
our very first date.... During his show, Bruce sang 'Born To Run'.... And
later? Fredy would sing it to me.... He'd change 'Wendy' to 'Jezi'...."
She smiled weakly.
"Even though Fredy could not sing or carry a tune...." added
Jezebelle, "But he tried to be Bruce, anyway...."
"Awww", said Dr. Whedon, "That was very romantic of
him."
Fresh, wet, hot tears filled Jezebelle's bloodshot, puffy eyes once
again.
"I am sorry...." she apologized, "This all is so very
hard...."
"I understand," said Dr. Whedon, "You are grieving
the unexpected death of your boyfriend. That is not easy. Especially because
you are so young. No road on this bumpy, potholed journey will ever come easy.
But--with help and support--you can overcome your sorrow. Yes, you can--"
"Fredy was only fourteen years old!!" interrupted Jezebelle,
"Fourteen!! That is the same exact
age as me!!"
"Are you experiencing thoughts, feelings and emotions that come
with facing your own mortality issues?" asked Dr. Whedon.
"I do not know...." answered Jezebelle, "I suppose
so...."
Wet, hot tears still streamed down Jezebelle's face.
"Fredy died from a fatal episode of Wolff-Parkinson-White
syndrome, remember....?" said Jezebelle "I, too, was born with that
birth defect.... So, oddly, I am experiencing survivor's guilt...."
Jezebelle began to sob uncontrollably.
"Why Fredy....?" Jezebelle finally asked, "It should
have been me.... Why didn't I die, instead....? Why Fredy....?"
Dr. Whedon did everything that she could to contain her emotions, as
she suddenly felt like crying along with Jezebelle.
"You did not die because it wasn't your time," said Dr.
Whedon, "For there is still so much Life ahead to live. Because you are,
after all, only fourteen years old."
Jezebelle looked down at her feet.
'There is
still so much Life ahead to live', she thought, Yeah, right.
"Let's discuss your symptoms of depression," said Dr.
Whedon, as though she could read Jezebelle's mind.
She swallowed hard.
"I feel so helpless...." Jezebelle began.
"This is because you cannot control all that has
happened," said Dr. Whedon, "Frederick's death. Grief. Depression.
All of it is beyond your control."
"That's right...." said Jezebelle, "And I feel so
hopeless.... I cannot sleep at night.... Whenever I try, horrifying flashbacks
of Fredy suddenly dropping dead on that baseball field overwhelms my mind....
And they're not nightmares.... These flashbacks are real.... So night after
night after night, I sit up until morning arrives.... I feel physically
drained.... Fatigued.... Sluggish.... I have experienced bodily aches and pains
in my muscles.... Why, I do not know.... I can't concentrate.... Tasks that
used to be easy--such as memorizing lines or acting--is difficult.... Constant
negative feelings and emotions control my thoughts.... I cannot turn them
off.... I am abnormally moody, emotional, edgy, short-tempered and
aggressive--even for a teenager--everything gets on my nerves.... I have become
somewhat of a chocolate addict, if you will.... For breakfast....? I eat tons
of chocolate.... For lunch....? I eat tons of chocolate.... For dessert....? I
eat tons of chocolate.... So obviously, I have gained weight.... I feel like a
cosmic, worthless failure who will never amount to anything in Life.... I hate
myself.... I hate myself.... I hate myself.... I hate myself.... I hate
myself...."
Jezebelle paused for a moment to gather her courage. Dr. Whedon
listened. She continued to write her patient's every single word,
thought, feeling and emotion down in a notebook.
"Go on," encouraged Dr. Whedon.
Jezebelle swallowed hard again.
"I experience negative feelings and emotions that Life is not
worth living...." she continued, "I battle constant suicidal
thoughts.... Because.... If Fredy died...."
Jezebelle fought back yet even more wet, hot tears.
"Oh my gosh...." she cried, "Fredy is dead.... He's
never coming back.... Fredy.... Is.... Dead...."
Jezebelle tried to gather her composure.
"Because if Fredy died, then perhaps I should, as well...."
she confessed.
"Have you ever attempted suicide?" asked Dr. Whedon.
"No," Jezebelle confidently answered.
"Well, that is good," said Dr. Whedon, relief in her voice,
"But I am concerned about your suicidal thoughts. Because aside from
grief? You possess many--if not most--of depression's symptoms. I will treat
you for that mental illness with medication and follow-up appointments. Okay? You are also obviously suffering from a very mild case of survivor's guilt. But
I am mostly concerned about your depression. I'm also going to prescribe you a
sleeping pill."
Okay," said Jezebelle.
"Also, I understand your flashbacks of Frederick's death,"
continued Dr. Whedon, "I truly do. That is such a tragic, traumatic,
heartbreaking image which plays nonstop--like an old movie--through your head. But
feeling hopeless is no way to live Life. Think about what Frederick would want
to see you like if he were still alive. Alright? And Frederick would definitely
not approve of this. You know it. Frederick would not want to see negative
feelings and emotions continually commanding his girlfriend's thoughts. You
know it. Frederick would want the old Jezebelle back. Am I right? Frederick
would even encourage you to sign up for drama again. Why? Because Frederick
would want his girlfriend to move forward in Life. Now, I did not say move on. Because you will never, ever, ever forget Frederick. And that is not a
negative concept. I said 'move forward'. There is--I think--a huge difference
between the two. Jezebelle? You are not a cosmic, worthless failure who will
never amount to anything in Life. Frederick would most definitely never have believed
that. And neither do I."
"What are you feeling?" asked Dr. Whedon, "Do not be
afraid to share more."
"It feels...." said Jezebelle, "Like I am a prisoner
of my own grief, depression, negative thoughts, and emotions.... Okay? I am
incarcerated. And--trust me--I know I've served my time...."
"Only you possess the key to this self-created prison
cell," said Dr. Whedon, "As I have mentioned before, breaking free
will not be easy. But together we can work through this. I do mean that."
And work through Jezebelle's issues they did. Step by step by step.
It required several follow-up appointments with Dr. Whedon. Tons of support
from those who Jezebelle is in close proximity to. And time. In memory of Frederick,
Jezebelle was scheduled with a cardiologist named Dr. LaGraw to have her Wolff-Parkinson-White
syndrome surgically repaired. Why? Because it felt like the right way to honor Frederick's
memory!! This surgery is a minor operation. And it did not even require any
sutures!! Dr. LaGraw inserted a catheter from Jezebelle's neck down to her
groin area. {Isn't modern medical technology miraculous?!} The surgery was
successful and Dr. LaGraw confidentially declared her "cured"!! Jezebelle
rejoined drama!! Once again her emotions breathed Life into every character she
played!! Jezebelle even met a new guy {Named Gavin!!} who also acted in drama!! During a play, they were lovers.... He swiftly became her boyfriend.... And the rest is
history!!
