Shooting Stars

Note…. Today, I am taking a quick break from this long poetry series by posting the most recent poem that I composed about Rose, {and my grief, and my healing journey}….

A shooting star. That is an ultimate sign, {or God Wink}, from Rose assuring me that she is here, residing within my broken heart. Why? Because, last year, I witnessed three shooting stars alongside Rose, that is why. But, these amazing streaks of light are magical, like rainbows, and Santa Claus. I obviously cannot simply gaze up at the starry sky, and witness a shooting star. Very early last Wednesday morning, before visiting Rose’s, {and Shadow’s}, cement paw print stepping stones in our backyard, my broken heart, and my bleeding soul were feeling unsettled. I was not even looking for a shooting star. My eyes weren’t fixed on the sky, although I always, always, ALWAYS look up. I was just aimlessly walking past our patio. And there it was, caught in the corner of my eye, streaking across the sky at, like, one-hundred miles per hour, {or something like that}, a shooting star!! I gasped. Then, I did not believe my eyes. I witnessed a shooting star?! Then, I walked over to Rose’s cement paw print stepping stone, I traced my hand on her foot, and, {if memory serves me correctly}, I said: ‘Thanks for the visit, Rosey….’ I felt like she said: ‘I’m here, Mama. Everything is going to be alright.’ Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

We witnessed a shooting star last August;

But you were scatterbrained, it was missed;

Well, we saw a shooting star last Summer;

Trust me…. It was truly not a bummer!!

But you were sniffing the ‘midnight’ ground;

Just like a Beagle mix, just like a hound;

They were two separate shooting stars;

Don’t you love seeing something from afar?!

We saw a shooting star last September;

It felt magical, do you remember?

Yes, yes…. You were far too distracted;

But I was eternally impacted!!

I witnessed a shooting star this morning;

It happened when grief struck without warning;

My heart, soul, and mind were unsettled;

Like a wilting rose with falling petals;

Babe, I was visiting your paw prints;

That stepping stone, my eternal present;

I was not searching for anything;

I just looked toward the stars twinkling;

And there it was, a God Wink from you;

Your ultimate sign in this day anew;

You said: ‘I’m here, Mama, I’m here….’;

I heard your message loud and clear;

I said: ‘Thanks for the visit, Rosey….’;

You are my ‘Comfort Dog’, my Baby.

Bonding All Morning And Afternoon

Note…. I wrote this journal entry on August 15^th, 2020.

Today marks two months since Rose was euthanized. TWO MONTHS. Now that I have lost a dog, and sent her to The Rainbow Bridge, {or Doggy Heaven}, twice throughout my Life, {both were euthanized on June 15^th, but there was ten years time between Shadow’s death, and Rose’s passing}, I am remembering the complicated feelings, emotions, thoughts that August brings. It is all coming back. I am remembering the complicated feelings, emotions, thoughts that two months brings. I miss Rose so bad it hurts. I wish that I could bake her dog cookies. I would give anything to stroke Rose’s velvet-soft fur again. I wish I could purchase her dog treats at PetsMart or Target. I imagine that Ree Drummond, {The Pioneer Woman}, has even more dog treats available at Wal-Mart that Rose loved so much. She tried them all before her kidney disease diagnosis on January 8^th, {yes, 2020 has been a LONG year}, and she could no longer ingest lots of protein/sodium. Today, {two months into this grief journey}, I miss the sound of Rose’s ‘Beagle’ bark, and her excitable hound dog bay. Yes, I am remembering the complicated feelings, emotions, thoughts that August brings. It is all coming back. Yes, I am remembering the complicated feelings, emotions, thoughts that two months brings. On one paw, {pun intended}, I miss Rose so bad it hurts. But on the other paw, {pun intended}, I also miss having a dog. Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

--Part Two--

On my necklace, ‘REMEMBER’ is engraved;

Through grief’s journeys, it’s helped me to be brave;

My Rose, I will remember June fifteenth;

It’s a special date, you know what I mean?

I will remember my last day with you;

I snapped final pictures, more than a few;

I will remember bonding all morning;

And afternoon as you were sleeping;

I will remember sitting on my bed;

I touched your hind paws, soon you’d be dead.

June Fifteenth

Positive…. One good thing about the coronavirus global pandemic, {and, as resulted, Sheltering In Place}, is that I have not had to walk past the pet isles at Target on my way toward purchasing chocolate. If memory serves me right, {and I have not shopped at Target since, like, February}, their pet isles, and chocolate isles are basically nearby each other. An unexpected wave of grief has not washed over my broken heart, my bleeding soul, because I cannot purchase Rose dog treats anymore. I have imagined how it would play out…. I’d walk past the dog treats isles at Target where I’ve been literally countless times before. My heart would break, my soul would bleed. In an effort to temporarily escape grief, I’d do a beeline toward the CD isles at Target, where I’d purchase Bob Dylan’s newest album, Rough and Rowdy Ways. Why? Because retail therapy feels so good, that is why. Am I right? Then, in an effort to truly feel my broken heart, my bleeding soul, my grief, {because doing so is good for healing}, I would wander toward the pet isles in Target again. I’d stare at those boxes of ‘Animal Cookie’ crunchy dog biscuits that I used to purchase Rose. I would see Target brand’s rawhide bones which she uncharacteristically snubbed. I’d notice dog treats that I’ve never purchased Rose before, as a heart-stabbing sign that Life is moving forward without her. But thanks to the Stinkin’ Virus, {as my youngest brother, Michael, likes to call it}, I have not shopped at Target since February, {thanks, also, to Sheltering In Place}, so I have not felt the need to impulsively purchase an Our Generation doll at Target, either, simply because retail therapy feels so good. I am sure that Target misses me, {and my money}, kind of like how I miss Rose. Am I right? Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

--Part One--

On my necklace, ‘REMEMBER’ is engraved;

Through grief’s journeys, it’s helped me to be brave;

My Rose, I will remember June fifteenth;

It’s a special date, you know what I mean?

I remember June fifteenth, 2010;

Because Shadow was euthanized back then;

I will remember one decade later;

Yes, on June fifteenth, your death occurred;

I will remember dreading this sad date;

And yet loss, I could not procrastinate;

I will remember planning this sad day;

‘Cause you had to die in June, anyway;

I will remember how this date felt ‘right’;

As you and Shadow met in the sunlight….

You Were A Good Girl

 An e-mail from PetsMart. Who knew that it could ‘ambush’ me? Three weeks ago, I received an e-mail from PetsMart about my monthly treats statement for July. They obviously do not know that Rose is dead. A few months ago, this would have meant absolutely nothing to me. I’d simply delete my e-mail, and carry on. But this time, I felt the unexpected pains of grief. See, I purchased Rose literally countless natural and/or organic dog treats from PetsMart throughout her Life. It hit me hard emotionally that I cannot buy Baby Girl crunchy biscuits there anymore. I miss purchasing Rose dog treats. I felt a sudden urge to drive straight to PetsMart, {even though I have not been there since before the coronavirus}, and explain to somebody that Rose died, so can they stop sending me monthly treats statements…. Seeing those e-mails hurts so bad. But I didn’t. Right now, Rose has every single treat that her little heart desires at The Rainbow Bridge—especially chocolate—because it can no longer kill her…. Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

Did I softly say: ‘You were a good girl….’?

There was no need…. You knew you were my world;

I said so when we rested daily on my bed;

Multiple times before you were claimed dead;

Did I softly say: ‘….one of the best dogs ever….’?

You knew that, and I do not think I did, never;

I said so when we were in our bedroom;

Where pretty roses outside the window bloom;

Did I softly say: ‘Rosalita, I love you….’?

There was absolutely no need…. ‘Cause this, you knew;

Did I softly say: ‘You were a good girl….’?

It’s Been An Honor And A Privilege

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows. -- Helen Keller

Search for the positives. That is how I try to be in Life. During this coronavirus global pandemic, I have read several true stories about survivors. Search for the positives. Ever since Rose was euthanized on June 15^th, {which was nearly two very long months ago}, I have been on the lookout for signs from Rose. Also known as God Winks. Rose has given me literally countless signs, {or God Winks}, since she died. Do I need any signs, {or God winks}, from Rose saying that she is alright? No. Rose is running free at The Rainbow Bridge, of course she’s alright!! I believe in life after death, so Baby Girl is alive!! As is Shadow before her!! Do I need any signs, {or God winks}, from Rose proving that she is still here, with me, living in my heart? Yes. Two days ago, I was searching Online for something that said: ‘If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever’. And then, I found it…. A mug that has this sentiment in PURPLE lettering, which just so happened to be Rose’s color. That was my sign, {or my God Wink}, from Rose!! Why? Because, if my love could have saved Rose from her degenerative myelopathy, she would have lived forever, that is why. Or so it feels. But I believe that God knows exactly how long His animals will walk on this Earth. Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

--Part Four--

I softly said: ‘It’s been an honor and a privilege….’

This was after you had travelled to The Rainbow Bridge;

I traced my fingers down a dent between your eyes;

Once big, they were mostly closed, death was realized;

I softly said: ‘It’s been an honor and a privilege….’

To your spiritual soul this was my message;

I touched those floppy velvet-soft ears that I loved;

On your body which was my favorite part of;

I softly said: ‘It’s been an honor and a privilege to care for you….’

Running Free

An escape artist. Those three words would describe Rose. Because she was, like, seventy-five percent Beagle, {based on my guess}, she was, like, twenty-five percent German Shepherd, {again, based on my guess}, and definitely one-hundred percent hound dog, yes, Rose could be an escape artist!! Our backyard has secure fences all around it…. If the front door was wide open, Rose would be safe in a room…. During extended family gatherings at our house such as Thanksgiving, {or Easter}, Rose’s collar would even be connected to Shadow’s ‘hand-me-down’ red leash, and my wrist. I continuously watched her like a hawk!! As resulted? Rose only had a few escape attempts, {I can literally count them on one hand}, all of which were unsuccessful disappearances!! This morning, I was visiting Rose’s, {and Shadow’s}, paw print stepping stones. I wondered: What if my first dog, Shadow, was always protecting Rose from escaping, {and running away}, from our house, from our backyard, from our family? What if Shadow was always watching over Rose? Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

--Part Three--

I softly said: ‘These legs are running free now….’

As I touched your right hind limb, this was my vow;

At that moment, I painted a lovely picture;

As I sat, and stroked your dead body’s soft fur;

Rose…. I softly said: ‘You’re finally running free….’

Those legs are moving with great velocity!!

Those long legs and those paws that I very much loved;

They are as free as a bird in the skies above!!

I softly said: ‘These legs are running free now….’

This Heart Broke, This Soul Bled

‘You cry on the inside.’ That is exactly what my Grandma, {who is in Heaven}, once told me. I think this was one of the best things that Grandma, {my Dad’s Mom}, ever said to me. She was absolutely right. I do cry on the inside. See…. I am not a physical crier. I have known this throughout most of my Life. And yet, I am an emotional being. I’m introspective. I feel way too much. I can grieve hard. My heart breaks, and my soul bleeds, but an onlooker will never know it, because, {like Grandma said}, I cry on the inside. Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

--Part Two--

I softly said: ‘It comforts you….’ And, I, I did not cry;

As I massaged your throat while you were euthanized;

Rose…. I’d been grieving your death for one long year;

I have already cried, I have already shed tears;

I softly said: ‘It comforts you….’ I did not want to cry;

So, my emotions, feelings, and thoughts were in disguise;

‘Cause you absolutely hated it whenever I wept;

So, I suppose to myself every emotion I kept?

Although this heart broke, this soul bled, on that day when you died;

I softly said: ‘It comforts you….’ And I wish I had cried….

Princess Rose Elizabeth

‘Dogs leave paw prints on our hearts’. Every morning, {when I awake}, and every night, {before I go to bed}, I trace my hand on Rose’s clay paw print that our veterinary clinic created after Baby Girl was euthanized. And every morning, {very early}, I step outside, where I trace my hand on Rose’s, {and Shadow’s}, cement paw print stepping stone in our backyard that Mom and I created at home several years ago. How is it even possible that I now have TWO Beautifully Unique mutts running free side-by-side at The Rainbow Bridge? ‘Dogs leave paw prints on our hearts’. And, {apparently, because I have several pictures of them}, I absolutely loved Rose’s paws. This morning, as I was visiting Rose’s, {and Shadow’s}, cement paw print stepping stones, I could hear birds singing. And I wondered: Do people’s pet birds who have flown toward The Rainbow Bridge sing lovely melodious songs there every single morning? This is the second poem that I composed after Rose died. It’s Part One of Four, plus, {because I can}, there is also a Bonus poem. Peace and Love, Mary Lou

One month. That is how long it has been since Rose was euthanized. Thirty days. Time has passed by that simultaneously feels like it happened twenty-four hours ago, and yet, also several years ago. I miss Rose. I would give anything just to stroke her velvet-soft fur one more time…. 

  

2020. I officially declare this a year of Life and Death for my little, {yet ever-growing}, family. My sister-in-law’s Mom lost her short battle with cancer in March. Rose was euthanized on June 15^th. Death…. And, very recently, I was blessed with another baby niece whose alias is ‘Ruby’!! Life…. Now, I have nieces ‘Amethyst’, ‘Opal’, nephew ‘Capricorn’, and, of course, ‘Ruby’!!

Edited by Kara Kent!!

--Part One--

I softly said: ‘Princess Rose Elizabeth….’

While you inhaled your final breath;

Those were my last spoken words, obviously;

Then, you looked so serene and ‘slept’ peacefully;

After I said: ‘Princess Rose Elizabeth….’

Doctor spoke: ‘She’s gone’, to announce your death;

And then, I softly said: ‘I love my hound dog….’

Rose…. My heart is broken, my head in a fog;

I softly said: ‘Princess Rose Elizabeth….’

Watch Over My Best Friend While We Are Apart

Do you suppose that Rose, {who always possessed a very curious black nose}, has by now happily explored every single rainbow, every single bridge, {see what I just did here…. Rainbow Bridge?}, every single woodland area, every single mountain, every single valley, every single waterfall, every single lake, every single river, every single stream, every single creek, every single field, every single park, every single beach, and every single ocean at The Rainbow Bridge as my first dog, Shadow, has watched Rose closely, {and run freely beside her}, to make sure that Rose does not escape from The Rainbow Bridge? I think so…. For some reason, the thought of Rose now spending literally every single second with Shadow brings my grieving broken heart comfort. I cannot explain why. This was the first of many poems that I composed after Rose died. Yes, yes…. I’ve become a prolific poet as I Shelter In Place. Apparently, I grieve through writing. Not surprising, but who knew? Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

‘Watch over my best friend while we are apart’;

That’s Shadow’s huge mission now that you live in my heart;

She will be your new Mama, your companion;

See that you don’t escape The Rainbow Bridge, and stay in;

Shadow will provide your ‘human’ food, your treats;

Ah, you always loved cheddar cheese, so bon appétit;

Shadow will now serve as your new caregiver;

And be a canine guardian angel forever;

Rose, you will feel so loved you’ll never miss me;

Your now-healed hind legs are both running free!!

‘Watch over my best friend while we are apart’;

That’s Shadow’s big mission now that you live in my heart.

Degenerative Myelopathy

How do you return from yet another LONG disappearance without your Beautifully Unique Beagle/German Shepherd mix sleeping soundly on the bed? {Well…. She would have been sleeping soundly before a BOOMING, heart-stopping, loud firework just randomly exploded}. On Monday, June 15^th, 2020, {yes, yes, nearly three LONG weeks ago}, Rose Elizabeth, {also known as Rosey/Rosalita}, was euthanized. This poem expresses where I have been all this time…. Becoming Rose’s Caregiver/Physical Therapist/Nurse/Doctor, and then eventually watching her swiftly slip away from me during the global coronavirus pandemic’s timeline. 2020 sucks. This poem was the last one that I composed before Rose died. Peace and love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

‘Today, I consider myself the luckiest Mutt Mom on the face of this Earth.’ -- Me, {also known as Rose’s Mama}

Degenerative myelopathy;

Oh, Rose, this has caused disabilities;

First, it was the left hind leg, then the right;

But, you’re resilient, and you fight;

Degenerative myelopathy;

It’s basically ALS in doggies;

Your hind legs give way and you collapse;

Are they getting paralyzed, perhaps?

Degenerative myelopathy;

Also known as ‘German Shepherd disease’;

For one year, I’ve watched you grow old;

And witnessed this disease swiftly unfold;

Degenerative myelopathy;

It does not care about pedigrees;

For three months, I’ve watched you slip away;

As your ‘time’ draws closer every day;

Degenerative myelopathy;

But, at The Rainbow Bridge, you will be free….

“It Takes Seconds”

Dedicated in loving memory to River, country singer Granger Smith’s three year old son, who tragically died via an accidental drowning on Thursday, June 6^th, 2019. He passed away while I was writing this fictional story. #livelikeriv
P.S. Yes, yes, I disappeared for three months. This is my comeback story!! Peace out, Mary Lou

“It Takes Seconds”

Edited by Kara Kent!!

Stereotypes. It can obviously be harmful, bad, and wrong to automatically assume that particular people always behave in this specific fashion, or that specific fashion. For example, not all female children are girly. Many tomboys would rather play sports than play with baby dolls. My beautiful, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, two-year old little girl, Aquata Angel is stereotypically all girl!! She absolutely loves playing with, nurturing, and cuddling her baby dolls!! Aquata Angel is even ‘a little Mama’ with stuffed animals such as teddy bears!! She absolutely loves wearing frilly Walt Disney princess dresses!! Literally one second, Aquata Angel will be Cinderella, the next second she’ll be Elsa, and the next second, she will be Belle!! Aquata Angel absolutely loves her pink-colored Ariel dress from The Little Mermaid!! My daughter and I enjoy watching Walt Disney animated princess films together!! Such as Snow White, Tangled, and even Aladdin!! Aquata Angel’s very favorite Walt Disney animated princess film is The Little Mermaid!!

We watch that movie over, and over, and over, and over, and over!!

‘A water baby’. That’s precisely how I would describe Aquata Angel!! Whenever she is playfully splashing around in any form of swimming pool on a hot Summer day? Aquata Angel fearlessly loves its cool, refreshing waters!! Whenever our little family of three goes camping at Dragonfly Lake? Aquata Angel fearlessly loves its sometimes freezing cold, sometimes warm waters!! Whenever I—or my husband, Drew—are giving her a bath? Aquata Angel fearlessly loves its warm, bubbly water!! Whenever Drew and I are skipping rocks in Red Ranger River? Aquata Angel fearlessly loves its crystal clear rushing waters!! Whenever I am hiking along the trails of Mt. Butte, {which is actually an extinct volcanic cinder cone}, while pushing my little girl in her stroller? Aquata Angel fearlessly loves its trails’ canals that have flowing water running through them!! Even when our little family of three walks barefoot along the beach’s foamy, always freezing cold ocean? Aquata Angel fearlessly loves its salty, swift-moving tidal waves!!

She is my little mermaid!!

The 4^th of July. That has always been my very favorite holiday!! I proudly fly the American flag at our little house. From a ‘star spangled bandanna’, {or an American flag baseball cap}, to patriotic socks, every single year, I wear red, white, and blue-inspired clothing. I always fry up some spicy firecracker chicken. Sometimes, I bake a simple, fluffy, vanilla cake with vanilla frosting, blue M&M’s as its ‘stars’, red M&M’s as its ‘stripes’, and white M&M’s as its ‘stripes’. I often purchase legal, store-bought, ‘safe’ fireworks to shoot off later that night. As an annual tradition, our little family of three always drives toward my brother, McDonald’s, plus his wife, {my sister-in-law}, Wendy’s house for our Independence Day celebrations!! Together, they have three children named Oaklee, Reese, and Ledger. My other brother, Jack, plus his wife, {my other sister-in-law}, Carla, join our party!! Together, they have six children named Cannon, Cruz, Levi, London, Jason, and Johanna. Of course, our parents, {Tom and Mary}, always join our celebration!!

McDonald and Wendy have an outdoor, unfenced, concrete swimming pool in their backyard….

“Alright!!” Jack happily exclaimed, as Drew, Aquata Angel, and I arrived on that Wednesday, July 4^th, “You brought your firecracker chicken, Nicole Amber Morgan!!”

“Yes!!” McDonald happily exclaimed, “I absolutely love your firecracker chicken!!”

“Oh, I know!!” said Drew, “My mouth is watering, just thinking about eating your firecracker chicken, darling!!”

“Nicole Amber Morgan….” said Wendy, with a smile written on her face, as she boiled yellow-colored corn on the cob, “You most certainly cannot ever come to my house for our Independence Day celebrations without bringing your firecracker chicken!! It is tradition!!”

“Of course I brought my firecracker chicken!!” I said with a smile written on my face “It is Independence Day, after all!!”

“Shoot fireworks?” said Aquata Angel, “Please?”

Unlike many two-year old children, my little girl is not at all frightened of firework’s loud booms, screams, and pops.

“Not until it gets darker outside, Aquata Angel,” I said, as I kissed my little girl on the cheek.

“Besides, we’ll be eating lunch soon!!” Drew chimed in.

“Dad, can we go swimming in our pool?” Oaklee asked McDonald.

“Yeah, it is like one-hundred degrees outside!!” said Reese.

“The cold water will cool us off, for sure!!” said Ledger.

“Please?” said Oaklee, Reese, Ledger, Cannon, Cruz, Levi, London, Jason, and Johanna together.

“I play in water?” asked Aquata Angel, with excitement in her little voice, “Pool? I play in water? Please?”

Aquata Angel was already removing her two-piece, belly button-showing The Little Mermaid outfit.

“Lunch is ready!!” announced Carla.

“I play in water?” asked Aquata Angel, “Pool? I play in water? Please?”

My little girl was now wearing nothing but her diaper, ready to play in McDonald’s and Wendy’s swimming pool.

“Oh, you are such a water baby!!” I said, “You’re my little mermaid!!”

“I play in water?” asked Aquata Angel, “Pool? I play in water? Please?”

“We need to eat, Aquata Angel!!” I said, as I kissed my little girl on her blonde hair-covered head.

“Dad?” asked Oaklee, “Can we go swimming in our pool?”

“Pretty please with a cherry on top?” said Reese.

“Pool…. Pool… Pool…. Pool…. Pool….” chanted Ledger.

“I play in water?” asked Aquata Angel, “Pool? I play in water? Please?”

“Drew?” I said, “Please don’t forget to keep an eye out for Aquata Angel when the children do play in that swimming pool, because she obviously cannot swim, yet. I’ll watch her closely, as well…. But I obviously cannot be everywhere at once!!”

“Absolutely,” said Drew.

“We also own Puddle Jumpers,” said McDonald, “Aquata Angel can wear one that properly fits her size!! Yes, you children may go swimming in the pool after you’re finished eating lunch!!”

“Well….” said Wendy, “You children can swim in the pool about thirty minutes after you’re finished eating lunch!!”

“Awwww….” Oaklee, Reese, Ledger, Cannon, Cruz, Levi, London, Jason, and Johanna groaned in unison.

“Oh, come on, Wendy!!” said Jack, “Isn’t the ‘do not swim until thirty minutes after you have eaten’ kind of an old wives’ tale?”

“Yes….” said McDonald, “The ‘do not swim until thirty minutes after you have eaten’ is fiction, not fact.”

“I play in water?” asked Aquata Angel, “Pool? I play in water? Please?”

“Aquata Angel certainly knows what she wants!!” said my Mom, with a smile written on her face.

“I play in water?” asked Aquata Angel, “Pool? I play in water? Please?”

Meanwhile, I prepared my little girl’s firecracker chicken, and her corn off of the cob.

“Aquata Angel?” I said mere seconds later, “Your lunch is ready!! Come here, and eat it!!”

But there was no answer.

“Aquata Angel?” I said, “Don’t you want to eat some of Mama’s firecracker chicken? Baby Girl?”

I completely expected my little girl to protest with a defiant ‘no’, but she didn’t.

“Aquata Angel?” I said.

Then, {before I said anything else}, Aquata Angel’s repetitive last words suddenly resurfaced within my mind.

I play in water? Pool? I play in water? Please?

“Oh, dear God, no….” I said aloud, as I instinctively looked toward McDonald’s and Wendy’s opened back door.

“Do you think that she escaped outside?” asked Drew, with sincere concern in his voice.

“Aquata Angel wanted to play in the swimming pool, but I kept telling her ‘no’….” I quickly said, as I ran outside.

Drew followed me closely behind.

“Who the hell left that damn backdoor unlocked?” I said, as I ran toward McDonald’s and Wendy’s swimming pool, “Aquata Angel, where are you? Who the hell left that damn backdoor opened? My Little Mermaid, where are you? Aquata Angel!!”

Mere seconds later, I found my little girl’s body floating face down in the swimming pool, while still wearing nothing but her diaper.

“Oh my word…. Aquata Angel!!” I frantically screamed, as I immediately jumped into the swimming pool.

“Nicole Amber Morgan!!” shouted Drew, “Be careful that you don’t drown!!”

I never learned how to swim, and, as resulted, I’m usually terrified of water.

“I am fine!!” I said.

But my inability to swim obviously did not matter compared to the possibility of saving our only daughter’s little Life.

“Aquata Angel!!” I frantically screamed, as I grabbed onto the swimming pool’s walls, and I somehow managed to make my way toward her.

I wrapped my right arm around Aquata Angel’s body, and I grabbed onto the pool’s walls with my left arm.

“She is not breathing!!” I frantically screamed, as I somehow managed to cling onto the swimming pool’s wall with my left arm, and pull Aquata Angel out with my right arm, “Drew!! Perform C.P.R. on Aquata Angel!! Oh my word, she is not breathing!!”

Meanwhile, Drew dutifully performed cardiopulmonary resuscitation on our little girl to no avail.

During seconds that passed by—which felt like an eternity—McDonald and Wendy arrived.

“Call 9-1-1!!” I frantically screamed, as I somehow managed to pull myself out of the swimming pool.

“Hi,” said Wendy, in an amazingly calm tone of voice, on her cell-phone to a 9-1-1 dispatcher, “I am calling because my niece, Aquata Angel, has been found face down in a swimming pool. What? I have no idea how long she was in the swimming pool…. Seconds? Minutes? What? Oh my….”

Drew was still performing cardiopulmonary resuscitation on our little girl.

“Please, Aquata Angel, breathe!!” I frantically screamed, “Come on, do this for Mama!! Please, Aquata Angel!! Breathe!!”

“Yes, Aquata Angel’s Daddy is performing C.P.R. on her as we speak,” Wendy calmly said, “What? No, Aquata Angel cannot breathe, and no, she doesn’t seem to have a pulse. Thank-you very much!!”

Then, Wendy hung up.

“The paramedics will arrive as soon as humanly possible….” said Wendy, “Nicole Amber Morgan….? Drew….? Apparently, Swift Care Helicopter will arrive as soon as humanly possible, as well….”

Drew was still performing cardiopulmonary resuscitation on our little girl.

“I am so, so, so, so, so sorry, Aquata Angel….” I said, as wet, hot tears now streamed down my face, “This is all my fault…. I have failed you as your Mama…. I am so, so, so, so, so sorry….”

“This is not your fault, Nicole Amber Morgan….” said McDonald, “We should have had a secure swimming pool fence…. Our backdoor locks could be more childproof…. We should have had a swimming pool alarm…. This is not your fault….”

To which I shook my head ‘no’.

“All Aquata Angel wanted to do was play in your damn swimming pool….” I said, through wet, hot tears, “But I told her ‘no’…. All Aquata Angel wanted to do was go ‘swimming’ in your damn pool…. Why, oh why, didn’t I say ‘yes’….?”

Nobody—not McDonald, not Wendy, not Drew—had any words of comfort for my broken heart, for my bleeding soul.

“Fire Station 343 is literally located just down the street from our house…. Wendy gently said, “The paramedics should arrive here shortly…. They always have….”

Drew was still performing cardiopulmonary resuscitation on our little girl.

“There are eight adults here, plus nine children….” I said, through wet, hot tears, as I picked up my little girl off of the cement pavement, and I cradled her on my lap, while Drew still performed cardiopulmonary resuscitation, “How the hell could nobody have seen Aquata Angel escape out that damn backdoor….? I was here…. How….”

I paused for an emotional nanosecond.

“How the hell could I have not seen Aquata Angel escape out that damn backdoor….?” I said, through wet, hot tears.

Before McDonald, Wendy, or Drew could say anything to comfort my broken heart, and my bleeding soul, the paramedics arrived.

“Aquata Angel, breathe!!” I frantically screamed, as wet, hot tears streamed down my face, while paramedics now performed cardiopulmonary resuscitation on my little girl, “You can do this for Mama!! Breathe, Aquata Angel…. Breathe!!”

“Aquata Angel does not have a pulse!!” said Paramedic Granger to his fellow paramedics team, in an urgent tone of voice, “She isn’t breathing!! Aquata Angel currently will not regain consciousness!!”

Then, Paramedic Granger turned to Drew and I.

“How long was Aquata Angel in the swimming pool?” he asked.

“I…. I do not know…. Seconds….? Minutes….?” I stammered through wet, hot tears, “I…. I do not know…. It happened so fast….”

“Seconds?” said Paramedic Granger, in an urgent tone of voice, “Minutes? That is far too long for any child to be face down in a swimming pool.”

Then, Paramedic Granger turned to Bode, a Swift Care Helicopter pilot.

“We must airlift Aquata Angel toward the hospital immediately!!” he quickly ordered him in an urgent tone of voice, “Time is not on our side when it comes to water!!”

“Yes, sir!!” said Bode.

“Can you please airlift Aquata Angel to Compassion & Empathy Hospital….?” Drew asked Paramedic Granger, as his eyes filled up with wet, hot tears.

“Yes,” answered Paramedic Granger.

Then, he placed Aquata Angel’s seemingly lifeless body on a stretcher.

“Go, go, go, go, go!!” Paramedic Granger quickly ordered in an urgent tone of voice to his paramedics crew, as they hustled my little girl into Swift Care Helicopter, “Our destination is Compassion & Empathy Hospital!!”

“Can I ride with Aquata Angel….?” I asked Paramedic Granger, through wet, hot tears, “In the helicopter….?”

“Yes,” Paramedic Granger softly and gently said, “We’ll do whatever it takes to save Aquata Angel’s Life.”

“We know you will….” said Drew, as he blinked back wet, hot tears, “Regardless of what….”

Drew paused for an emotional nanosecond.

“Regardless of what Aquata Angel’s end result is….” finished Drew, through wet, hot tears, “We know you will do whatever it takes to save her Life…. I do mean that….”

To which Paramedic Granger smiled sympathetically at Drew and I.

“Let’s go!!” ordered Paramedic Granger, in an urgent tone of voice, as he, his paramedics crew, and I swiftly rode in Swift Care Helicopter toward Compassion & Empathy Hospital, “Let’s go!!”

“I will meet you at Compassion & Empathy Hospital….” said Drew, as he blinked back wet, hot tears, while he hurried into our red-painted Subaru Forester, “I love you, darling….”

“I know….” I said, through wet, hot tears, “I love you, as well….”

I play in water? Pool? I play in water? Please? Those were Aquata Angel’s last words before I prepared her firecracker chicken, and corn off of the cob. I play in water? Pool? I play in water? Please? Those were Aquata Angel’s last words on the 4^th of July, my very favorite holiday. I play in water? Pool? I play in water? Please? Those were Aquata Angel’s last words that I only halfheartedly listened to, because it was lunchtime. I play in water? Pool? I play in water? Please? I could still hear Aquata Angel’s sweet, little, toddler voice begging, pleading, whining those words as she lie in Swift Care Helicopter, connected to seemingly countless wires, portable beeping machines, and travel-friendly Life support. I play in water? Pool? I play in water? Please? I could not even hear the deafening, rumbling sound of Swift Care Helicopter’s rotator blades, as we flew toward Compassion & Empathy Hospital. I play in water? Pool? I play in water? Please? No, I could only hear Aquata Angel’s last words, as I stroked her blonde hair with my right hand fingers.

I play in water? Pool? I play in water? Please?

“We have a two-year old drowning victim,” Paramedic Granger dutifully said, in an urgent tone of voice, once we arrived at Compassion & Empathy Hospital, “Aquata Angel was facedown underwater for either seconds, or minutes. They tried to stabilize her in the helicopter. It is not looking good.”

“Oh dear….” said Receptionist Ginger.

Then, she picked up her telephone, and called somebody in an urgent tone of voice.

“We need to take her to Room Number 606 immediately,” said Dr. Spitz, in an urgent tone of voice.

By now, Drew had arrived at Compassion & Empathy Hospital.

“You must follow Dr. Spitz toward Room Number 606….” Paramedic Granger softly and gently said to me, “Goodbye…. I hope that Aquata Angel is alright, and she becomes a drowning survivor….”

Then—just like that—Paramedic Granger seemingly disappeared.

“It is not looking good,” said Dr. Spitz, after they spent several hours, which felt like an eternity, attempting to save my daughter’s little Life, “I honestly don’t think that Aquata Angel will become a drowning survivor. But, if, {and that is a cosmic one syllable word}, if your daughter does make it? Then, she will most likely suffer from severe brain damage.”

Dr. Spitz paused for a nanosecond.

“I highly recommend that you consider taking Aquata Angel off of Life support,” he gently said, “I am sorry….”

“Wait. What?!” said Drew, with emotion, shock, anger, and frustration in his voice, “You recommend that we take Aquata Angel off of Life support? As in do not give her a fighting chance?”

“There is far too much damage done to Aquata Angel’s brain,” said Dr. Spitz, “We already have given her a fighting chance. But, if Aquata Angel does make it then—like I said—she will most likely suffer from severe brain damage. I am so sorry….”

“Aquata Angel was going to grow up, and be our future champion surfer….” I said through wet, hot tears, “Just like Bethany Hamilton…. Aquata Angel was going to grow up, and be our future gold medal-winning U.S. Olympic diver…. She could have shattered a glass ceiling, and won twenty-four gold medals…. Aquata Angel was going to grow up, and be our future gold medal-winning U.S. Olympic swimmer…. Just like Michael Phelps…. No…. This cannot be happening…. Aquata Angel was going to grow up, and break records with winning the most gold medals…. No…. This cannot be happening…. Aquata Angel, {my water baby, my little mermaid}, was going to grow up, and be our future…. And now….”

I paused for an emotional nanosecond.

“Now Aquata Angel will not even have a future at all….” I said through wet, hot tears.

“If our daughter does become a drowning survivor, she will most likely suffer from quote-unquote ‘severe brain damage’…. How….?” said Drew, as he blinked back wet, hot tears, “Please explain Aquata Angel’s future as a drowning survivor….”

“How long was Aquata Angel underwater?” asked Dr. Spitz.

“Why the hell does everybody keep asking me this question….?” I said, through wet, hot tears, and in a moody, irritable, agitated, edgy tone of voice, “I do not know…. I do not know…. I do not know how long Aquata Angel was in that damn swimming pool…. Seconds….? Minutes….? One moment, Aquata Angel was safe inside with us, and the next….”

I paused for a nanosecond, as Drew embraced me in his loving arms.

“It was so quick….” I said, in a softer tone of voice, through wet, hot tears, “So quick….

“It takes seconds for a drowning to occur,” explained Dr. Spitz, “How old is Aquata Angel?”

“She’s two….” answered Drew, as he blinked back wet, hot tears.

“A toddler can drown in one minute,” explained Dr. Spitz, “If Aquata Angel does become a drowning survivor, then she will most likely be severely physically, developmentally, and intellectually disabled. I am so, so sorry….”

“Well, that is alright….” I said, through wet, hot tears, “At least Aquata Angel will be alive….!! We can handle severe physical, developmental, and intellectual disabilities…. I will love Aquata Angel just the same no matter what….!! I do mean that….”

“Aquata Angel will no longer be the same exact water baby, and little mermaid who you loved before,” said Dr. Spitz, “Chances are, she won’t be your record-breaking, gold medal-winning Olympic athlete. Aquata Angel will most likely need oxygen and feeding tubes. She’ll probably use a wheelchair for the rest of her Life. I am so, so, so sorry….”

I looked over at my daughter lying still in that hospital bed, with literally countless wires, and tubes connected to her little body.

“Darling….” said Drew, through wet, hot tears, “I think that it is time to give Aquata Angel her Heavenly wings…. Darling…. I think that it is time to let Aquata Angel fly…. Darling—”

“It takes seconds for a curious child to find any body of water…. Is that what you are saying….?” I interrupted through wet, hot tears, “It takes seconds for her or him to drown….? Is that what you are saying….? Well, I want those seconds back…. Is that too much to ask, damn it….? I want Aquata Angel back…. I miss her already…. If it only takes seconds to make me a Mama again, then I want that precious time back….”

“Darling….” Drew softly and gently said, through wet, hot tears, as he wrapped his loving arms around me, “I think that it is time to let Aquata Angel go….”

My already broken heart shattered into a billion pieces, and I could literally feel my soul bleed, but I knew that Drew was right.

“Can I please hold Aquata Angel when you take her off of Life support….?” I asked Dr. Spitz.

“Yes,” answered Dr. Spitz, “As I said before, I am so very sorry….”

Then, Nurse Preslee carefully picked Aquata Angel up, so that she could gently hand her to me, wires, tubes, and all.

‘What would I give to live where you are? What would I pay to stay here beside you? What would I do to see you smiling at me? Where would we walk? Where would we run? If we could stay all day in the sun? Just you and me; And I could be; Part of your world; I don’t know when; I don’t know how; But I know something’s starting right now; Watch and you’ll see; Someday I’ll be; Part of you world’,” with heartbreaking emotion in my voice, and tears streaming down my face, I sang the lyrics to ‘Part of Your World {Reprise}’ from The Little Mermaid.

Heaven. Because I’ve never, ever been there, I obviously have no idea what it is like. Does Jesus Christ sit on His Throne in Heaven as the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords? I don’t know. Do angels sing in church choir-like voices while strumming their harps? I do not know. Are the streets of Heaven actually lined with gold? I don’t know. Will Aquata Angel someday return to me in Heaven as my smart, purple-loving, strong-willed little girl? I don’t know. Is there unlimited access to several bodies of water so that Aquata Angel can swim freely all safe and sound in Heaven? I don’t know. Will Aquata Angel miss me—her Mama—even in Heaven? I don’t know. ‘What would I give to live where you are? What would I pay to stay here beside you? What would I do to see you smiling at me? Where would we walk? Where would we run? If we could stay all day in the sun? Just you and me; And I could be; Part of your world’.

As Aquata Angel’s Life support was removed, I longed to live where she now resided, {Heaven}, and to be part of her world.

BOOM!! BOOM!! SCREAM!! POP!! BOOM!! BOOM!!

Outside of Compassion & Empathy Hospital, everybody in the whole wide universe was celebrating July 4^th, except for Drew and I.

Gasp!!

Suddenly, I could feel somebody either kick—or punch—the inside of my abdomen.

“Oh my….” I said through wet, hot tears, as I was still cuddling with a now-lifeless Aquata Angel, “I think I’m pregnant….”

“Wait. What….?” said Drew, through his own wet, hot tears, “You are pregnant….?”

“Feel my tummy….” I said through wet, hot tears, “Baby is kicking, moving, and punching in there….”

To which Drew felt my abdomen, as I still cuddled with Aquata Angel’s lifeless body.

“Oh my word….” said Drew, as he blinked back wet, hot tears, “I felt a kick….!! I think that you are pregnant, darling…. I felt a kick….!!”

“Congratulations, Nicole Amber Morgan!!” said Dr. Spitz, with a warm smile written on his face.

“No, I am not pregnant….” I said through wet, hot tears, as I looked down at Aquata Angel’s ‘sleeping’ face, “This can’t be right…. Don’t you guys understand….? Aquata Angel’s death rests on me…. Losing my own daughter was preventable…. I failed to keep Aquata Angel safe…. No…. I do not deserve to be a Mama again….”

“But…. What if this baby was sent to your womb directly from Heaven….” said Nurse Preslee.

She paused for a nanosecond.

“Sent directly from Aquata Angel herself….?” finished Nurse Preslee, “Open your eyes and you will see signs all around you….”

Certainly enough, nine long, emotional, hormonal, {and slow healing}, months later, I brought into this world our rainbow baby girl!!

I named this beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed daughter Liberty Belle, because we learned about her on Independence Day!!