Mama Loves

Twenty years. For the first time in two decades, I am celebrating Thanksgiving, {and the Christmas season}, sans sharing it with a living dog. For the first time since 2010, Rose will NOT be pacing, scratching on her Uncle Michael’s securely closed bedroom door, and barking loudly at me, {as my Mom cuts turkey in our kitchen}, while I simultaneously try to watch television in Michael’s bedroom, and I repeatedly tell Rose: ‘Nothin’ I can do about it. I know you want some turkey. You’ll get some. Don’t you always? Nothin’ I can do about it.’ The holiday season, {especially my first one}, without either Shadow or Rose is always very emotionally hard on me. But, I will try to count my blessings on this Thanksgiving Day, not my losses. Because truth be told? I shared twenty Thanksgiving holidays with two Beautifully Unique mixed breed dogs, {Shadow and Rose}, during what feels like two completely different lives. And even though I am missing Rose very bad right now? I have been blessed. I wrote all three of these poems before Shadow and Rose were euthanized. Happy Thanksgiving!! Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

{My ‘love poem’ to Shadow}

Mama loves your German Shepherd ears;

Which are loyal and very sincere;

Plus that beautiful ‘blond’ fur;

From the Golden Retriever;

Mama loves those German Shepherd eyes;

A deep brown which never criticize;

Plus that pink Golden Retriever nose;

You were born special and duly so!!

*****

Edited by Kara Kent!!

{My original ‘love poem’ to Rose}

Mama loves your big, light brown, Beagle eyes;

They are expressive, so playful, and sly;

Mama loves that German Shepherd body;

Which neighbors could determine before me;

Mama loves those soft, floppy, Beagle ears;

You are special to me, is that not clear?

*****

Edited by Kara Kent!!

{My new ‘love poem’ to Rose}

Mama loves your floppy Beagle ears;

They are velvet-soft, like plush reindeer;

Mama loves your German Shepherd body;

Although you are a guess, my mystery;

Mama loves your brown and round Beagle eyes;

Those eye shadow-like black rings, I don’t despise;

Mama loves your German Shepherd markings;

With their dual black and brown colorings;

Though the Beagle within you is strong, not weak;

You’re special, and Beautifully Unique!! 

Completely Empty, But Not Vacant At All

A red-colored Christmas box. It is full of decorations that I display in my little bedroom every single year. And this Christmas box also contains memories. A memory of Shadow, {she was my first dog, who died and travelled toward The Rainbow Bridge on June 15^th, 2010}, a memory of Yoda, {he was my second cat who disappeared when I was fifteen years old}, and multiple memories of Rose. Inside this Christmas box is Rose’s red-colored holiday bandana that she got from PetsMart several years ago after a routine toenail clipping. This silk-like bandana has white-colored reindeer, green-colored hearts, and white-colored snowflakes printed on it. I have seven adorable pictures, {two of which she barked at me}, with this bandana around Rose’s neck!! But she only wore it once. I always use Rose’s bandana as a makeshift ‘doily’ in my bedroom. I have been doing that for several years. Inside this Christmas box is also a mug which says: ‘Santa’s spoiled dog’ on it. My Grandparents gave me that cup several years ago. If memory serves me right? When I received that mug, Rose was my living dog, not Shadow. I display it in my bedroom. I only drank out of that mug once. Last, but not least, inside this Christmas box, is Rose’s soft red and white-colored stocking. You know what? I have spent ten Christmas mornings pulling dog treats and toys out of that stocking for an excitable Rose. Now, it hangs on my bedroom wall, ‘completely empty, but not vacant at all’. I knew that opening this red-colored Christmas box as I decorated was going to feel emotional…. Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

Your soft red and white stocking hangs on my wall;

It’s completely empty, but not vacant at all;

Because your stocking is full of memories;

Like plush squeaky toys, and dog treats with bacon/cheese!!

Together, we had ten Christmas celebrations;

All of which, Baby, were special occasions;

In 2019, you’d been aging sans warning;

I knew this would be our last Christmas morning;

Yes, I predicted it, as though I’m a psychic;

‘Cause I felt your demise like an eccentric;

Rose, do you remember our last Christmas Day?

I bought nine dog treats, Babe, I got carried away!!

As resulted, Shadow’s stocking needed borrowed;

Because I knew that you might not see tomorrow;

Your soft red and white stocking hangs on my wall;

It’s completely empty, but not vacant at all….

My Love Is Boundless

 It’s just a thing. That was what I mentally told myself, {over and over and over}, when I lost my ‘REMEMBER’ necklace. It’s just a thing. So I lied to myself. After all, I just lost a necklace, not Rose. Honestly? I do not get nearly as attached to material things as I used to before Rose was euthanized. So why did losing my ‘REMEMBER’ necklace make me feel like crying? If it’s just a thing. So why did I find myself searching Online, {Amazon, particularly}, for a replacement of my ‘REMEMBER’ necklace, {which was unsuccessful}? If it’s just a thing. So why did I retrace my steps, {over and over and over}, looking for my lost ‘REMEMBER’ necklace until I successfully found the piece of jewelry? Because it is NOT just a thing, that’s why. I have had my ‘REMEMBER’ necklace since Shadow was euthanized on June 15^th, 2010. Yes, yes…. I have had my ‘REMEMBER’ necklace for over ten years. I’ve worn it to bed, in the shower, {only once, because I forgot to take the necklace off}, I have worn it while sweating when I’m dancing. See? It is NOT just a thing. By the way? That ‘REMEMBER’ necklace was also a gift from my Aunt and my cousin after Shadow died. It is NOT just a thing. Peace and Love, Mary Lou

--Part Five--

On my necklace, ‘REMEMBER’ is engraved;

Through grief’s journeys, it’s helped me to be brave;

My Rose, I will remember June fifteenth;

It’s a special date, you know what I mean?

I will remember the ‘dog mom’ necklace;

I wore because my love is boundless;

I will remember that The Rainbow Bridge;

Won’t make you not mine…. What a privilege….

I will remember how death won’t stop me;

From being your Mom eternally!!

Gotcha Day

This poem is about September 21^st, 2010, {the day when I adopted Rose}. I composed it before she died, which is one of the few poems that I wrote when Baby Girl was still alive. Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

Some things in Life can predict the future;

And they will determine the whole picture;

When your adoption papers were signed;

And Rose, you eternally became mine;

Some things in Life predicted the future;

And they did determine the whole picture;

Because ‘Beagles’ can be escape artists;

Your cage was opened, you ran for it;

Some things in Life predicted the future;

And they did determine the whole picture;

I brought home a ‘doggie bag’, if you will;

Balls caused fear, and the rope chew did not thrill;

I got a ‘doggie bag’, {pun intended};

But, you loved the treats, they were meat-scented!!

Some things in Life can predict the future;

And they will determine the whole picture.

This poem expresses my complex emotions, feelings, and thoughts leading up to Rose’s tenth Gotcha Day last week on 9-21, {her first at The Rainbow Bridge}. Apparently, loss can really mess with this grieving Mutt Mom’s broken heart, bleeding soul. Peace and Love, Mary Lou

 Edited by Kara Kent!! 

Rose, it is your tenth Gotcha Day;

When I adopted you as a stray;

Babe…. You’re supposed to be here;

And celebrate with me ten years;

I possessed a plan that I conceived;

It did not include being bereaved;

I was going to bake you cookies;

Like always, because I’m no rookie;

Babe…. You’re supposed to be on Earth;

I thought we would have twelve year’s worth;

This, this is my broken heart crying;

And, through grief, my bleeding soul sighing;

Babe…. I wish that you were here;

But God planned each second, each year;

The Lord had your every breath;

Preordained from birth, to Life, to death;

Rose, it is your first Gotcha Day;

At The Rainbow Bridge, worlds away….

This poem expresses me trying very hard to be emotionally resilient. Peace and love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

Rose Elizabeth, do you remember….

Girl, the 21^st of September?

You made me a Hound Dog Mom on this date;

My first, {and my last}, hound, my dog soul-mate;

Yes, yes…. You were my one and only;

For nine years, I was not lonely;

You were a mutt, but still all ‘Beagle’;

Your hound dog appearance looked regal;

Rose Elizabeth, do you remember….

Girl, the 21^st of September?

Your adoption papers were signed;

And you, you eternally became mine;

‘Beagles’ are known as escape artists;

Your cage opened, you ran for it;

Yes, yes, I wholeheartedly remember….

Baby, the 21^st of September!!

The Beauty That I Felt

A month of firsts without Rose. That has been September for me. I love firsts, {especially when they are positive}, like Rose’s first Christmas, {December 25^th, 2010}, or Rose’s first Gotcha Day, {September 21^st, 2011}. But firsts without Rose, {or Shadow before her}, are heartbreaking. This has been a month of firsts without Rose. On September 15^th, Rose had been dead, {and exploring The Rainbow Bridge}, for three LONG months. On September 16^th, my brother participated in virtual rhythm and drum class, {oh, the coronavirus/2020}, a day when I would have spent baking Rose dog cookies during his class. On September 21^st, it’ll be Baby Girl’s tenth Gotcha Day, {I imagine that anniversary will be emotionally hard for me}, also known as Rose’s first Gotcha Day at The Rainbow Bridge. My nieces, ‘Amethyst’, ‘Opal’, ‘Ruby’, and nephew, ‘Capricorn’ kept me preoccupied, {what blessed distractions}, on September 15^th. I danced to Bruce Springsteen, {Born In The USA}, on September 16^th, {during my brother’s virtual rhythm and drum class}. Please pray for me on September 21^st…. Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

--Part Four--

On my necklace, ‘REMEMBER’ is engraved;

Through grief’s journeys, it’s helped me to be brave;

My Rose, I will remember June fifteenth;

It’s a special date, you know what I mean?

I will remember I did not expect;

The beauty that I felt to take effect;

I will remember being quite present;

As you died, and left on my heart paw prints;

I will remember scratching your throat;

As I felt that velvet-soft fur coat;

I will remember, Babe, how you ‘smiled’;

Did you know those legs will run through miles?

The Heavens Cried

 Writing. That is how I grieve. Whether it be as a poet, or even as an ‘author’ makes absolutely no difference none whatsoever. I grieve through writing. I express my complex thoughts, feelings, and emotions in poems, or even in fictional stories. Writing. That is how I heal from loss, as well. It’s the very best form of therapy for me, as I ‘talk’ out complicated thoughts, feelings, and emotions to myself. Nothing, {not a psychiatrist, or a psychologist}, can compare to this form of therapy. Nothing. I am eternally grateful for my God-given ability, talent, and gift of writing!! I absolutely love the way it is serving me well right now!! Someday, I will look back on these ‘Love Poems’ to Rose, {most of which were composed by my broken heart, my bleeding soul after she was euthanized}, and, not only will I eternally remember Rose, but I’ll also remember my grief. I grieve through writing. I heal through writing. And, you know what they say…. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

--Part Three--

On my necklace, ‘REMEMBER’ is engraved;

Through grief’s journeys, it’s helped me to be brave;

My Rose, I will remember June fifteenth;

It’s a special date, you know what I mean?

I will remember how the Heavens cried;

‘Cause it rained on that sad day when you died;

I will remember this felt dramatic;

Just like the movies with its theatrics;

I will remember rain as a symbol;

For my broken heart, my bleeding soul.

Shooting Stars

Note…. Today, I am taking a quick break from this long poetry series by posting the most recent poem that I composed about Rose, {and my grief, and my healing journey}….

A shooting star. That is an ultimate sign, {or God Wink}, from Rose assuring me that she is here, residing within my broken heart. Why? Because, last year, I witnessed three shooting stars alongside Rose, that is why. But, these amazing streaks of light are magical, like rainbows, and Santa Claus. I obviously cannot simply gaze up at the starry sky, and witness a shooting star. Very early last Wednesday morning, before visiting Rose’s, {and Shadow’s}, cement paw print stepping stones in our backyard, my broken heart, and my bleeding soul were feeling unsettled. I was not even looking for a shooting star. My eyes weren’t fixed on the sky, although I always, always, ALWAYS look up. I was just aimlessly walking past our patio. And there it was, caught in the corner of my eye, streaking across the sky at, like, one-hundred miles per hour, {or something like that}, a shooting star!! I gasped. Then, I did not believe my eyes. I witnessed a shooting star?! Then, I walked over to Rose’s cement paw print stepping stone, I traced my hand on her foot, and, {if memory serves me correctly}, I said: ‘Thanks for the visit, Rosey….’ I felt like she said: ‘I’m here, Mama. Everything is going to be alright.’ Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

We witnessed a shooting star last August;

But you were scatterbrained, it was missed;

Well, we saw a shooting star last Summer;

Trust me…. It was truly not a bummer!!

But you were sniffing the ‘midnight’ ground;

Just like a Beagle mix, just like a hound;

They were two separate shooting stars;

Don’t you love seeing something from afar?!

We saw a shooting star last September;

It felt magical, do you remember?

Yes, yes…. You were far too distracted;

But I was eternally impacted!!

I witnessed a shooting star this morning;

It happened when grief struck without warning;

My heart, soul, and mind were unsettled;

Like a wilting rose with falling petals;

Babe, I was visiting your paw prints;

That stepping stone, my eternal present;

I was not searching for anything;

I just looked toward the stars twinkling;

And there it was, a God Wink from you;

Your ultimate sign in this day anew;

You said: ‘I’m here, Mama, I’m here….’;

I heard your message loud and clear;

I said: ‘Thanks for the visit, Rosey….’;

You are my ‘Comfort Dog’, my Baby.

Bonding All Morning And Afternoon

Note…. I wrote this journal entry on August 15^th, 2020.

Today marks two months since Rose was euthanized. TWO MONTHS. Now that I have lost a dog, and sent her to The Rainbow Bridge, {or Doggy Heaven}, twice throughout my Life, {both were euthanized on June 15^th, but there was ten years time between Shadow’s death, and Rose’s passing}, I am remembering the complicated feelings, emotions, thoughts that August brings. It is all coming back. I am remembering the complicated feelings, emotions, thoughts that two months brings. I miss Rose so bad it hurts. I wish that I could bake her dog cookies. I would give anything to stroke Rose’s velvet-soft fur again. I wish I could purchase her dog treats at PetsMart or Target. I imagine that Ree Drummond, {The Pioneer Woman}, has even more dog treats available at Wal-Mart that Rose loved so much. She tried them all before her kidney disease diagnosis on January 8^th, {yes, 2020 has been a LONG year}, and she could no longer ingest lots of protein/sodium. Today, {two months into this grief journey}, I miss the sound of Rose’s ‘Beagle’ bark, and her excitable hound dog bay. Yes, I am remembering the complicated feelings, emotions, thoughts that August brings. It is all coming back. Yes, I am remembering the complicated feelings, emotions, thoughts that two months brings. On one paw, {pun intended}, I miss Rose so bad it hurts. But on the other paw, {pun intended}, I also miss having a dog. Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

--Part Two--

On my necklace, ‘REMEMBER’ is engraved;

Through grief’s journeys, it’s helped me to be brave;

My Rose, I will remember June fifteenth;

It’s a special date, you know what I mean?

I will remember my last day with you;

I snapped final pictures, more than a few;

I will remember bonding all morning;

And afternoon as you were sleeping;

I will remember sitting on my bed;

I touched your hind paws, soon you’d be dead.

June Fifteenth

Positive…. One good thing about the coronavirus global pandemic, {and, as resulted, Sheltering In Place}, is that I have not had to walk past the pet isles at Target on my way toward purchasing chocolate. If memory serves me right, {and I have not shopped at Target since, like, February}, their pet isles, and chocolate isles are basically nearby each other. An unexpected wave of grief has not washed over my broken heart, my bleeding soul, because I cannot purchase Rose dog treats anymore. I have imagined how it would play out…. I’d walk past the dog treats isles at Target where I’ve been literally countless times before. My heart would break, my soul would bleed. In an effort to temporarily escape grief, I’d do a beeline toward the CD isles at Target, where I’d purchase Bob Dylan’s newest album, Rough and Rowdy Ways. Why? Because retail therapy feels so good, that is why. Am I right? Then, in an effort to truly feel my broken heart, my bleeding soul, my grief, {because doing so is good for healing}, I would wander toward the pet isles in Target again. I’d stare at those boxes of ‘Animal Cookie’ crunchy dog biscuits that I used to purchase Rose. I would see Target brand’s rawhide bones which she uncharacteristically snubbed. I’d notice dog treats that I’ve never purchased Rose before, as a heart-stabbing sign that Life is moving forward without her. But thanks to the Stinkin’ Virus, {as my youngest brother, Michael, likes to call it}, I have not shopped at Target since February, {thanks, also, to Sheltering In Place}, so I have not felt the need to impulsively purchase an Our Generation doll at Target, either, simply because retail therapy feels so good. I am sure that Target misses me, {and my money}, kind of like how I miss Rose. Am I right? Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

--Part One--

On my necklace, ‘REMEMBER’ is engraved;

Through grief’s journeys, it’s helped me to be brave;

My Rose, I will remember June fifteenth;

It’s a special date, you know what I mean?

I remember June fifteenth, 2010;

Because Shadow was euthanized back then;

I will remember one decade later;

Yes, on June fifteenth, your death occurred;

I will remember dreading this sad date;

And yet loss, I could not procrastinate;

I will remember planning this sad day;

‘Cause you had to die in June, anyway;

I will remember how this date felt ‘right’;

As you and Shadow met in the sunlight….

You Were A Good Girl

 An e-mail from PetsMart. Who knew that it could ‘ambush’ me? Three weeks ago, I received an e-mail from PetsMart about my monthly treats statement for July. They obviously do not know that Rose is dead. A few months ago, this would have meant absolutely nothing to me. I’d simply delete my e-mail, and carry on. But this time, I felt the unexpected pains of grief. See, I purchased Rose literally countless natural and/or organic dog treats from PetsMart throughout her Life. It hit me hard emotionally that I cannot buy Baby Girl crunchy biscuits there anymore. I miss purchasing Rose dog treats. I felt a sudden urge to drive straight to PetsMart, {even though I have not been there since before the coronavirus}, and explain to somebody that Rose died, so can they stop sending me monthly treats statements…. Seeing those e-mails hurts so bad. But I didn’t. Right now, Rose has every single treat that her little heart desires at The Rainbow Bridge—especially chocolate—because it can no longer kill her…. Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

Did I softly say: ‘You were a good girl….’?

There was no need…. You knew you were my world;

I said so when we rested daily on my bed;

Multiple times before you were claimed dead;

Did I softly say: ‘….one of the best dogs ever….’?

You knew that, and I do not think I did, never;

I said so when we were in our bedroom;

Where pretty roses outside the window bloom;

Did I softly say: ‘Rosalita, I love you….’?

There was absolutely no need…. ‘Cause this, you knew;

Did I softly say: ‘You were a good girl….’?

It’s Been An Honor And A Privilege

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows. -- Helen Keller

Search for the positives. That is how I try to be in Life. During this coronavirus global pandemic, I have read several true stories about survivors. Search for the positives. Ever since Rose was euthanized on June 15^th, {which was nearly two very long months ago}, I have been on the lookout for signs from Rose. Also known as God Winks. Rose has given me literally countless signs, {or God Winks}, since she died. Do I need any signs, {or God winks}, from Rose saying that she is alright? No. Rose is running free at The Rainbow Bridge, of course she’s alright!! I believe in life after death, so Baby Girl is alive!! As is Shadow before her!! Do I need any signs, {or God winks}, from Rose proving that she is still here, with me, living in my heart? Yes. Two days ago, I was searching Online for something that said: ‘If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever’. And then, I found it…. A mug that has this sentiment in PURPLE lettering, which just so happened to be Rose’s color. That was my sign, {or my God Wink}, from Rose!! Why? Because, if my love could have saved Rose from her degenerative myelopathy, she would have lived forever, that is why. Or so it feels. But I believe that God knows exactly how long His animals will walk on this Earth. Peace and Love, Mary Lou

Edited by Kara Kent!!

--Part Four--

I softly said: ‘It’s been an honor and a privilege….’

This was after you had travelled to The Rainbow Bridge;

I traced my fingers down a dent between your eyes;

Once big, they were mostly closed, death was realized;

I softly said: ‘It’s been an honor and a privilege….’

To your spiritual soul this was my message;

I touched those floppy velvet-soft ears that I loved;

On your body which was my favorite part of;

I softly said: ‘It’s been an honor and a privilege to care for you….’